THE SCOTTISH MCCAT

These unique felines have existed in Scotland since the time of myth. So fearsome are they in battle that Hadrian's Wall was, in fact, built to keep out not the barbarous Scots, but the fiercely territorial McCats who fought in battle alongside their clans. They have a complex history, being derived from centuries of hybridization between the ginger cats of the Viking settlers, the now extinct Woad Blue Cats of ancient tribes and the Scottish Wild Cat (although some authorities claim that the Scottish Wild Cat is a partially domesticated form of the Scottish McCat and this is borne out to some extent by a comparison of their temperaments). Bagpipes are believed to have been modelled on the skirling war-cries of these cats. These cats have split into a number of sub-breeds to suit local conditions although all have the distinctive "och-aye the noo" call. Highland McCats have longer, woollier fur and have evolved to hunt in highly efficient packs capable of bringing down a Highland Cow. They have harsh voices and impenetrable accents. Lowland McCats can be differentiated by their gentler lilting accents. Shetland cats are small, due to the harsh living condition, but powerful and a pack of Shetland McCats can easily bring down a Shetland pony. Orkney McCats are rugged with gale-proof fur. All McCats have long hair, and frequently beards and sideburns as well. Facial hair is bright ginger in the Celtic and Viking sub-breeds, black in the Gaelic varieties. The rest of the coat is any of a variety of hunting tartans depending on clan allegiance. Those cats born outside of clan lines are usually Black Watch. The breeding of designer-tartan cats to suit overseas buyers is frowned upon. Eyes are watery blue, bloodshot, bulbous and usually point in different directions, while ears exhibit uniform thickening and extreme hairiness. The muzzle is short and broad with a fine set of ginger whiskers either side of a squashed and flattened nose which is mauve-red in colour. Many McCats have particularly long canines, which enable them to tackle larger prey and which, according to myth, are inherited from the ancient sabre-tooth cats which once roamed the area. The legs of Highland McCats are longer on one side than on the other to enable them to chase their prey along hillsides. In all varieties, the tail is bushy and the same colour as the facial hair and there is a pronounced sporran, especially in male McCats. Although they have long, scythe-like claws for bringing down unwary Sassenachs, many McCats also have a skein dhu or traditional small dirk strapped to one leg, those lacking a dirk are pretty handy with broken McEwans lager bottles. The staple diet of these cats is Highland beef, Salmon (generally poached),grouse, bashed neeps and boiled thistle-tips. Sightings of Nessie are generally put down to sightings of particularly large McCats swimming after salmon in Loch Ness. Though born at any time of year, McCats born after a Scotland victory over England in a Rugby or Soccer final are most highly regarded. All McCat names are prefixed by Mc.

THE IECHYD-DA CAT

Indigenous to Wales, the Iechyd-da is best known for its fine singing voice. Male Iechyd-das often form choirs and compared to the caterwauling of their feline brethren worldwide, the sound of Iechyd-das competing for the attentions of a female is deeply moving. Careful selective breeding has fixed this trait into modern Iechyd-das. Each year these cats compete at a three day festival to find the best singer and this cat is highly sought after for stud services (which is why the contest is held annually since most winning cats drop through exhaustion after eight months of intensive breeding). In appearance, the Iechyd-da is unremarkable. Males tend to be especially well-built and athletic, perhaps due to having to sing while in full flight from a thrown rugby boot in days gone by. Black and white is the preferred colour and the sight of a show hall full of identical black-and-white Iechyd-das in full song has moved many a judge to tears. Those that aren't black and white are generally a sooty, grey colour due to natural selection favouring those cats which blended in with coal mines and slag heaps. All have exceptional sight and a remarkable sense of navigation underground. Songs are still sung to the honour of Black Aled, the cat who led a hundred and thirty trapped miners to safety after a cave-in. For three days the miners followed this cat's singing until they finally reached daylight. Admittedly Black Aled went the roundabout route out of sheer curiosity, but he did lead the miners to safety nonetheless. Black Aled never sang another note from that day till the day he died. The preferred diet of the Iechyd-da is Welsh Rarebit and leek-and-mutton broth. Their long association with mines has led many to develop a strange habit known as coal-eating which is a form of pica found only in the Iechyd-da breed. This could also account for the tendency of many cats to develop a peculiar cough which sounds like the Welsh "ll" (as in Llanelli) or "ch" (as in bach). Traditional names for these cats include Dai, Dafydd and Jones although more ambitious cats go by the name of Llanfairpwll...gogogoch

THE ENGLISH IMPERIAL CAT

Despite European efforts to standardise English felines into a single homogeneous Euro-compliant cat, these cats (which have accompanied explorers to all corners of the world where they rapidly subdued native cat breeds and enforced Imperial manners upon them) remain stubbornly split into a host of local variants. Perhaps the best known are the Manx, Cornish Rex and Devon Rex, although there are lesser known variants. The "Cockney" is noted for its black coat and contrasting white pearl-effect speckles and a preference for cock linnet and jellied eels. The "Geordie" has a peculiar dialect understood only by other Geordie cats; they tend to be tough with a high degree of differentiation between the genders - males are rough, ready, rampant and lack finesse while females are perpetually on call - and a staple diet of mushy peas and Newcastle Brown Ale. The "Lancashire" has an outgrowth on its head which resembles a flat cap; it is excessively fond of pigeon, black pudding and a pint of Mild. The "Glassy-Eyed Suburban Commuter Cat" is a highly evolved local subspecies which occurs only in black-pinstripe-and-white and is highly adept at crowding large numbers of cats into small spaces during its two main activity periods (morning and afternoon "rush" hours) although it spends much of the intervening time slumbering over a newspaper. The heyday of the English Imperial Cat was between the Elizabethan and Victorian eras, after that it was all downhill as the cats were repelled from their annexed territories by native felines battling for independence. Sadly little effort has gone into the Imperial Cat during the twentieth century and breeders tend to reminisce about past glories rather than actually trying to reclaim any of that glory. Even in International competition these cats, which once dominated the show benches of the world, are sinking further towards obscurity. English Imperial Cats enjoyed a brief revival during the two World Wars, though for very much the wrong reasons. Being one of the few creatures that could thrive in bombed out areas by subsisting on rats and mice, they were frequently "befriended" by butchers and found themselves being sold to unsuspecting buyers as "roof rabbit" and "genuine 100% coney". Nowadays, the diet of the English Imperial Cat is far more diverse. From a traditional diet of fish and chips (which is why the best specimens can still be found close to Harry Ramsden's) or chip-butties it has moved on to curry and chips, fried rice, pizza, burgers and in fact anything served in a foil or styrofoam takeaway carton requiring the bare minimum of preparation. A cautionary note about the much-maligned "Essex" variety - due to their indiscriminate breeding habits, it is almost impossible to trace the pedigree of an Essex cat with any degree of accuracy or certainty. Essex cats will mate with anything - other Essex cats, pet rabbits or small dogs - much to the despair of the hard-working breeder who has carefully matched up two Essex cats only to find her prize stud bonking next-door's Dobermann with fatal results. Essex cats rarely mate with other variants of the English Imperial (to be truthful, no other cat would ever consider mating with an Essex cat) and are therefore dangerously inbred leading to a high concentration of "Sharons", "Traceys" and "Waynes". Most Essex cats are deaf and have poor colour vision due to their tendency to hang around noisy nightclubs with high intensity light shows.